People probably think the week of a lobbyist is an endless sequence of meetings with important people discussing important issues, followed by cocktails with salmon-rich buffets, and wining & dining of even more important people.

It’s probably that way for some of them…but I’m glad to say, it’s not my case. This week was a great and a horrible one, as many are.

So let’s do a bit of good and bad game.

GOOD: I met some really fascinating people at the Brussels edition of the #140conf (some even laughed at my jokes and even if it’s out of pity, I don’t care).

BAD: my slides just did not want to display properly on the Mac of the organisers and when I put them on slideshare to ensure proper display, slidehare decided to crash on me on the day of the presentation.

GOOD: Tweeps found an alternative in 2 min (Scribd – thanks to @jacobchr ). End result at bottom of this post.

***

GOOD: one of the companies I like most with people I think are both so nice and so efficient offered me a job.

BAD: being the freelancer I am, I turned them down.

GOOD: they took it well (I hope).

***

GOOD: I got invited for lunch at the cabinet of Belgium’s Prime Minister (not with him, don’t get too excited).

BAD: it’s on 16 June and with elections on 13 June and him officially not wanting to stay PM, I guess I’m invited to the cabinet of the ex-PM.

GOOD: still made my mum really excited and prouder than whenever I meet anyone from the EU higher spheres.

***

GOOD: I responded to three different consultations in the same week, and this multiplied by X different clients and in different languages (darn, I’m good)

BAD: I got a Dear John letter from one of those clients (actually was more like a Dear John laconic email Sent “from my Blackberry”).

GOOD: everyone seemed really sorry for me and said it wasn’t me: it was them (why does that sound vaguely familiar…hmm)

GOOD: IT’S SUNNY IN BELGIUM AND IT WILL BE THE ENTIRE WEEKEND AND I REALLY LOVE MY NEW OFFICE

cause it’s got fish on the wall, and rhinos all over.

NO MORE BAD there!

And for my #140conf presentation on EU 2.0:
#140conf – EU 2.0: Lobbying & politics in the social media age

Let me start by reassuring you: I am not shuddering out of some inane fear that Belgium will be split off, the tanks going down Avenue de Tervuren whilst nostalgics of the “One Belgium” concept reunite on Place Luxembourg, the new Tian An Men, to sing songs and burn candles while weeping for the good old days.

I am not shuddering either because I think this political crisis will affect my financial well-being or the future of my children: I have been paying taxes in Belgium for ages and can’t imagine my financial situation growing worse unless I have to pay the federal state and the zillion other entities not only over half what I earn but actually for the privilege of being able to work. As for my children, I still have the option of claiming Congolese citizenship based on the fact that I was born in Kinshasa…the day where being Congolese becomes the better option is coming closer, I tell you…But anyway, my oldest son told me he want to study in an American University, because “they play basketball while studying there and no one saw a Belgian dunking the way an American does” so I think they will be fine.

No, my shudder is much more selfish. Consider this: there are extremely few Belgians working as lobbyists in Brussels, certainly in my sector (Internet & Telecoms): Brits , as many as you want; French; German. Spanish….you name it, Brussels has it…but Belgians??? And on top of that, I have this really Belgian sounding name which (1) makes me end up in everyone’s porn spam filter because the Belgian version of “Smith” refers to the English version of a male attribute and (2) makes everyone spot from a mile that I am the real stuff (in so far as someone raised in Africa, South America and the Middle East, Flemish by upbringing but Francophone by her studies and who came back to the “home country” at the age of 18 can be qualified the “real stuff”).

So what am I getting at, are you thinking? Very simple: I just know that for the next weeks and maybe even months, I am going to get the fatal question every time: “Oh: you’re Belgian, aren’t you. Can you explain what the hell is happening with that BHV thing?”…and you know what, even if I could, I wouldn’t…Not because it’s not important or because I don’t care but because I just wish I could tell you a story about how Belgians act like Belgians when they are abroad and face all those other nations that call them “Les petits Belges / The little Belgians”…and on how I hope my kids will think when they are older that BHV is a supermarket that went bust ages ago when politicians realised they couldn’t make a profit out of it any longer.

My only positive element to this gloomy perspective is that at least, I can point people to this post that provides the best explanation of our current crisis…might actually print the URL on a card to hand out to anyone who considers my Belgian citizenship means I can decrypt waffling whilst imagining what went through Magritte’s head as he was making bland statement about pipes.

Berlaymont building

After fifteen years in Brussels, I am still amazed about the ability of EU politicians and civil servants writing their speeches or consultation papers at saying nothing, but at length!

I had never been able to pinpoint the exact expression covering this art, until today. Speaking to an ex-Commission official about a speech by a Commissioner given yesterday, we both agreed that it was wonderful at saying not much, committing to even less, and basically giving in only ever so slightly to every side of the debate. But through that agreement, he made me discover the technical term covering such a masterful result: the concept of “eloquent vagueness”, or let’s call it EV from now on (not to be confused with the European Voice, the other EV in Brussels that sometimes practices eloquent vagueness too but not always).

EV is all over the place in Brussels (though in some cases, it’s only V, the eloquence being difficult to spot). It’s in the questions in a Consultation which make you wonder if the official that wrote was under the influence of illegal substances…It’s in the responses we lobbyists draft in which “We acknowledge (…) applaud (…) whilst regretting (…) and strongly believing (…) even though…”. It’s in the press releases of every EU institution (though there, I’d go for a simple V most of the time), in the oral interventions at the European Parliament, in the discussions at every corner…More than an Art, it’s a second nature of the inhabitants of the EU bubble.

Funnily, if you Google “eloquent vagueness”, the first result obtained is an entry on Wikipedia about Edgar Quinet (February 17, 1803–March 27, 1875), a French historian and intellectual, described in the the 1911 Encyclopædia Britannica as follows: “His pervading characteristic, therefore, is that of an eloquent vagueness, very stimulating and touching at times, but as deficient in coercive force of matter as it is in lasting precision and elegance of form.” Now, why am I not surprised the concept is linked to a Frenchman?

The problem with EV is: as comfortable as it may be, it produces nothing…layer after layer of vagueness you end up with…a “mille-feuille” of vagueness and a serious feeling of frustration. Combine it with “political correctness” and you end up with less than nothing.

So I would like to encourage speech writers of Commissioners, spokespeople at press briefings, MEPs standing up in the hemicycle…all these wonderful people to stop the “eloquent vagueness” wave that has been overwhelming us for ages and go for something else…maybe “blunt convictions” could be an interesting alternative? Or even “funny bullsh*” would be an improvement!

I like writing imho, as people using that expression are generally very unlikely to have a humble bone in their body but at least, they have an opinion!

People think that Brussels is this bubble far removed from reality where every legislative act takes 3 painful years to move along the co-decision omnibus train (you know, the one that is slow and stops at every station?)…and they are right to a certain extent. But Brussels is also a city of power and politics, a mixture that rarely breeds calm and serene atmospheres. It is is finally a city of institutions and procedures, a combination that induces and fosters many frustrations and in some cases, utter boredom with a thin veneer of cynical humour.

How appalling you must think at this stage! Well not at all: to me, Brussels is the perfect breeding ground for a new satirical newspaper (except I’m of the generation where paper seems odd and it being satirical, you can hardly associate it to news). I’m a great fan of The Onion in the States, and have thus cooked up the idea to start something similar in Brussels.

So here is the big announcement: at a time where the press keeps on reporting about the journos leaving Brussels, a new “newspaper” is born in Brussels and it’s called: “The Brussels Jungle – No Trees, lots of Monkeys“.

The logo of The Brussels Jungle

This newspaper will report pieces that stem only from the writers’ imagination, the greatest difficulty so far having been that reality in Brussels often surpasses what imagination could come up with. The editorial guidelines are a work in progress, and submissions are invited by anyone that feels inspired, either under their own name or a pen name.

So eurobloggers, journos, creative civil servants, bored politicians, inspired lobbyists, all you out there that make up what constitues the EU bubble, start reading The Brussels Jungle and, even better, start sending in your contributions!

The future generation

First: for those who hadn’t spotted it yet: this rhino is a “she”. So, I basically have a sound knowledge of what it means being a woman, stemming from practical experience ranging over…well, many years!

On Twitter, someone suggested to rename Woman’s Day” to “Day of the Condition of Women”: it’s a mouthful, I will grant you that, but at least it has the merit to focus minds on the fact that there’s nothing extremely “Happy” about this day..it’s about women still being disregarded and ill-treated in many parts of the world, and someone thinking it was a good idea to at least ponder on this issue once a year. It’s about have to point something out that should be so obvious in the 21st Century!

This is the reason of my title…but beyond that, I just want to share a few thoughts from a woman that (1) lives in part of the world were inequalities do still exist but are certainly not life-threatening (Brussels) (2) has a great career and job that a lot of blokes would envy (I know: 0 humility on that one) and (3) discovered your view on women changes dramatically when you have a daughter.

I was raised by a stay-at-home mum that had the full-time job of raising four kids whilst moving every 2 years across Africa, South America in the Middle East…and as a child, I kept on thinking: what a lousy job she must have….As a mum myself now, I changed my view to thinking she must have had a tough job, but she certainly did it the best she could.

Growing up, I was struck by the fact that my mum taught my 3 brothers to cook and pretty much do everything a “New man” should be able to do, but when I asked if she could teach me anything behing a furnace (or God behold: sewing on a button), her answer was always the same: study, and make sure you get a job that pays enough for you to be able to pay someone else to do that. And the odd bit was: I actually thought that made a lot of sense!

I built my career so far in the full-knowledge that (1) I was a woman (2) I had every intention of having kids and that at a reasonnably young age, which is considered of very poor taste if you’re a lawyer who has the insane view that you can combine family and career (3) that I’d try to stay polite when for the 100th time someone asks me: “How do you do it?”, a question no one ever seems to ask my husband who does a huge share of the “it” too.

But initially, I didn’t think much of feminism: if you wanted to succeed, you should just do it, regardless of gender and not go into those “gender balance”, “equality”, etc discussions. I don’t want to be equal to a man: I know I’m better anyway

But you know what: yes, it is pretty different to try and run a career as a woman than it is as a man, even in our “developped” countries. And yes, the pressures and disparaging looks you get are sometimes heavy to bear (you know that: “oh, your kid sure has been ill a lot” look…or the even better “what: pregnant again?” look). Not to talk about the guilt that seems to be a standard mum feature…and the surprising thing is that burden is often put to you equally by men and women (especially the younger ones)!

So I am now consciously preparing the future of my daughter in a society that still needs to go a long way...and when I kiss her and her brothers good night, I always whisper four things: “you are smart, you are kind and you are beautiful…and I love you to bits”. Because I just know that if each kid in the world had the chance to hear that whisper every night, a lot could be changed…oh: and the fact that my 3 year old girl can manipulate and kick a** her older brothers with such ease certainly made them aware that there’s no such thing as the “weaker sex”!

I was “dared” by @kattebel to write something on the latest post by the European Parliament web-editors at Writing for (y)EU, regarding the fascination of EU officials at all levels (even the highest) for the West Wing series, and the dual conclusion drawn by Steve that:

“The first is my new working theory, Steve’s West Wing Paradox or the West Wing euro-idealism coefficient. This theory holds that the extent of devotion to an American TV series about American government is a reasonable indicator of the level of euro-idealism among officials of the EU institutions.

The second is linked to this observation, not least because it in inevitably a theory of limited shelf life, and to the second observation that the EU system is maturing and starting to resemble the US system to an ever greater degree. It is simply that the time is surely ripe for an equivalent of the West Wing to be made about the EU…” [emphasis added by me]

Of course, the thought is tempting, and with all the writing talent both inside the institutions and in euroblogosphere, it could probably be done…the problem is: would anyone outside the EU bubble be willing to sit through a one-hour episode about the fascinating interactions of three Presidents and a High Representative, their inner cabinets and outer DGs, etc? Not so sure, quite frankly! I’m a bigger believer in something short and sweet, maybe less in awe of the fascinating wheels of power and more irreverent in the French sense of the word (i.e. “irrévérencieux”, which does not imply a lack of respect, but just an unwillingness to not criticise at the same time, possibly in a funny way).

So how about this alternative: French TV had a great serie called “Un Gars, une Fille”, showing a guy and a girl (Chouchou and LouLou) in 5-minute episodes in their daily interactions, with everything that can imply in a couple and with nice men/women stereotypes.

Imagine the scene above, replace the guys with Herman and José, the girl with Cathy, the shouting step-mom by the Council…close your eyes…yes, you’re getting my drift (though I would imagine Herman to be less hairy).

But then again, this may be a bit intimate an approach and not suite for our respected institutions (I frankly would not be keen on the bed scene translated to our EU leaders…really not).

A more “professional” alternative would be a remake of “Caméra Café”, with Herman, José, Jerzy, Cathy and all their staffers and entourage meeting around the coffee machine and exchanging their thoughts, frustration, master plans, etc.

Here I leave it to your imagination to replace the actors with EU officials…

So Brussels Wing, Three Presidents and an HR, or Caméra Berlaymont? What do you think? Vote and let us know.

[Addition: Oh, and I'm having some fun exchanges on this with Conor from the European Citizen blog, who is definitely rooting for a "Yes Commissioner" version: check out his post and our exchanges here]