“Ode to Joy”, you think? Not anymore: joy is a seriously over-rated experience, banks will tell you these days.
So I think it’s time for a change, Europe, and I am ready to endorse full rhino army gear to chant along “You’re in the Euro now!” (lyrics at the bottom of the BJ article).
This rhino is ready
Wrong (and, by the way, I wish it were true!).
It is a funny misconception that if you want to have two months of holidays during summer you can either become a teacher (and do something useful for humanity) or become someone hovering around the European institutions (and do…well, what lobbyists do, I guess). I can’t comment on the former but when it comes to the latter, it always makes me wonder if people truly believe that if there’s no MEP around to lobby, we just sit at our desk waiting for them to come back….like robots in “off ” mode or very sad Labrador puppies left home alone.
Well, sorry to disappoint all those considering a lobbying career (or governmental affairs, public affairs, “something” affairs) for the nice summer holiday perks: there’s still a lot to do over summertime! And that is because policy-makers and regulators truly make the “jobs and growth” motto a central objective in the way they work. How so, will you ask? By creating a policy environment that stimulates employment and innovation? Well, maybe…kind of…but also by making sure lobbyists like me do not fall in a deep hole of nothingness over summer by issuing a zillion consultations at the end of June / beginning of July, with a deadline for responses in September…Thou shall not stay idle by the pool, says the regulator!
Oh, and did I mention that slightly over-full folder on my desktop called “TO READ” in which I put every file, document, report, etc of over 60 pages that I am not bound to read but just know I should at some point in my life, if only to feel smarter.
However, I will do all of this whilst humming “in the summertime”!
So hum along!
Rarely does a lobbyist listen to someone and feel utterly impressed, no strings or cautious thoughts attached…Or at least, not an “old rot” like me…But today, just for a few minutes, I felt like “not all was lost”…that some sense would come out of the ongoing debates on how to “handle the Internet” if someone with the eloquence, brains and proven delivery record of Julian Assange could be invited to speak in a place such as the European Parliament, in the context of the ALDE organised debate on (Self) Censorship and Freedom of Expression in Europe.
And so he did, and he did well, at both a philosophical level and in terms of quoting facts, cases, real life. Sitting on the panel was also the representative of the Icelandic Parliament that spearheaded their “Safe Haven” law for publishers and whistle blowers, and a professor specialised in libel and defamation laws, whom I will not name just in case he sues me for “attacking his reputation”, as he seemed really gung ho on that one.
I would encourage everyone to listen to the debate once it gets posted [Addition on 8 July: video embedded below - thanks to commentators] on the ALDE website , as it is worth listening, for the immense sadness one feels when listening to some of the comments in terms of balance of rights and freedoms some seem to deem appropriate, and some of the hallucinating exchanges that took place between Mr Assange and the unnamed lawyer, of which my favourite was [quoting from memory - only the actual recording should be considered accurate]:
Lawyer: “In this case, the BBC claimed people died and that was wrong”
Assange “How do you know it was wrong?”
Lawyer “Because the BBC paid damages and settled”
Assange “So you are saying that settling out of court for strategical reasons and to avoid heavy legal fees means they were wrong. Over 100.000 people had to go to the hospital due to that event and BBC said that as a result, 14 died. How unbelievable is that? How wrong could they be?”
Lawyer “I didn’t say they were wrong”
Assange “Yes, you just did”
Lawyer “I can’t remember what I just said”
Assange, turning to the audience “OK, people: do you remember what he just said?”".
I guess Lincoln’s statement that to be a good liar, you need to have a good memory could also apply to lawyers speaking on panels at the European Parliament…
Update 8 July: Please find below the full video of the EP hearing
People probably think the week of a lobbyist is an endless sequence of meetings with important people discussing important issues, followed by cocktails with salmon-rich buffets, and wining & dining of even more important people.
It’s probably that way for some of them…but I’m glad to say, it’s not my case. This week was a great and a horrible one, as many are.
So let’s do a bit of good and bad game.
GOOD: I met some really fascinating people at the Brussels edition of the #140conf (some even laughed at my jokes and even if it’s out of pity, I don’t care).
BAD: my slides just did not want to display properly on the Mac of the organisers and when I put them on slideshare to ensure proper display, slidehare decided to crash on me on the day of the presentation.
GOOD: Tweeps found an alternative in 2 min (Scribd – thanks to @jacobchr ). End result at bottom of this post.
***
GOOD: one of the companies I like most with people I think are both so nice and so efficient offered me a job.
BAD: being the freelancer I am, I turned them down.
GOOD: they took it well (I hope).
***
GOOD: I got invited for lunch at the cabinet of Belgium’s Prime Minister (not with him, don’t get too excited).
BAD: it’s on 16 June and with elections on 13 June and him officially not wanting to stay PM, I guess I’m invited to the cabinet of the ex-PM.
GOOD: still made my mum really excited and prouder than whenever I meet anyone from the EU higher spheres.
***
GOOD: I responded to three different consultations in the same week, and this multiplied by X different clients and in different languages (darn, I’m good)
BAD: I got a Dear John letter from one of those clients (actually was more like a Dear John laconic email Sent “from my Blackberry”).
GOOD: everyone seemed really sorry for me and said it wasn’t me: it was them (why does that sound vaguely familiar…hmm)
cause it’s got fish on the wall, and rhinos all over.
NO MORE BAD there! 
And for my #140conf presentation on EU 2.0:
#140conf – EU 2.0: Lobbying & politics in the social media age
Let me start by reassuring you: I am not shuddering out of some inane fear that Belgium will be split off, the tanks going down Avenue de Tervuren whilst nostalgics of the “One Belgium” concept reunite on Place Luxembourg, the new Tian An Men, to sing songs and burn candles while weeping for the good old days.
I am not shuddering either because I think this political crisis will affect my financial well-being or the future of my children: I have been paying taxes in Belgium for ages and can’t imagine my financial situation growing worse unless I have to pay the federal state and the zillion other entities not only over half what I earn but actually for the privilege of being able to work. As for my children, I still have the option of claiming Congolese citizenship based on the fact that I was born in Kinshasa…the day where being Congolese becomes the better option is coming closer, I tell you…But anyway, my oldest son told me he want to study in an American University, because “they play basketball while studying there and no one saw a Belgian dunking the way an American does” so I think they will be fine.
No, my shudder is much more selfish. Consider this: there are extremely few Belgians working as lobbyists in Brussels, certainly in my sector (Internet & Telecoms): Brits , as many as you want; French; German. Spanish….you name it, Brussels has it…but Belgians??? And on top of that, I have this really Belgian sounding name which (1) makes me end up in everyone’s porn spam filter because the Belgian version of “Smith” refers to the English version of a male attribute and (2) makes everyone spot from a mile that I am the real stuff (in so far as someone raised in Africa, South America and the Middle East, Flemish by upbringing but Francophone by her studies and who came back to the “home country” at the age of 18 can be qualified the “real stuff”).
So what am I getting at, are you thinking? Very simple: I just know that for the next weeks and maybe even months, I am going to get the fatal question every time: “Oh: you’re Belgian, aren’t you. Can you explain what the hell is happening with that BHV thing?”…and you know what, even if I could, I wouldn’t…Not because it’s not important or because I don’t care but because I just wish I could tell you a story about how Belgians act like Belgians when they are abroad and face all those other nations that call them “Les petits Belges / The little Belgians”…and on how I hope my kids will think when they are older that BHV is a supermarket that went bust ages ago when politicians realised they couldn’t make a profit out of it any longer.
My only positive element to this gloomy perspective is that at least, I can point people to this post that provides the best explanation of our current crisis…might actually print the URL on a card to hand out to anyone who considers my Belgian citizenship means I can decrypt waffling whilst imagining what went through Magritte’s head as he was making bland statement about pipes.
Berlaymont building
After fifteen years in Brussels, I am still amazed about the ability of EU politicians and civil servants writing their speeches or consultation papers at saying nothing, but at length!
I had never been able to pinpoint the exact expression covering this art, until today. Speaking to an ex-Commission official about a speech by a Commissioner given yesterday, we both agreed that it was wonderful at saying not much, committing to even less, and basically giving in only ever so slightly to every side of the debate. But through that agreement, he made me discover the technical term covering such a masterful result: the concept of “eloquent vagueness”, or let’s call it EV from now on (not to be confused with the European Voice, the other EV in Brussels that sometimes practices eloquent vagueness too but not always).
EV is all over the place in Brussels (though in some cases, it’s only V, the eloquence being difficult to spot). It’s in the questions in a Consultation which make you wonder if the official that wrote was under the influence of illegal substances…It’s in the responses we lobbyists draft in which “We acknowledge (…) applaud (…) whilst regretting (…) and strongly believing (…) even though…”. It’s in the press releases of every EU institution (though there, I’d go for a simple V most of the time), in the oral interventions at the European Parliament, in the discussions at every corner…More than an Art, it’s a second nature of the inhabitants of the EU bubble.
Funnily, if you Google “eloquent vagueness”, the first result obtained is an entry on Wikipedia about Edgar Quinet (February 17, 1803–March 27, 1875), a French historian and intellectual, described in the the 1911 Encyclopædia Britannica as follows: “His pervading characteristic, therefore, is that of an eloquent vagueness, very stimulating and touching at times, but as deficient in coercive force of matter as it is in lasting precision and elegance of form.” Now, why am I not surprised the concept is linked to a Frenchman?
The problem with EV is: as comfortable as it may be, it produces nothing…layer after layer of vagueness you end up with…a “mille-feuille” of vagueness and a serious feeling of frustration. Combine it with “political correctness” and you end up with less than nothing.
So I would like to encourage speech writers of Commissioners, spokespeople at press briefings, MEPs standing up in the hemicycle…all these wonderful people to stop the “eloquent vagueness” wave that has been overwhelming us for ages and go for something else…maybe “blunt convictions” could be an interesting alternative? Or even “funny bullsh*” would be an improvement!
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